Entropy
by Emma CS Me
Summary: Lilly watches what happens to Veronica. All she can think is: it's my fault.


She's not that surprised to die young. She always knew her fabulousness was not the kind to make it past twenty; and Aaron always was kind of a psycho. So no, not a shock.

Everyone else is shocked to find her; Duncan going into one of his catatonic states. Her parents find him and make the worst assumption; and she just wants to scream at them: _no no no!_ She wants Aaron found out and jailed for the rest of his days, she wants her family saved from this burden, Duncan saved from this incrimination. Keith knows her and his daughter loves her; Lilly knows he won't rest until he find the truth.

And he doesn't. He follows her family all the way down the rabbit hole; telling her father for a fact that he knows Jake had something to do with her death. _T__echnically true,_ Lilly thinks, but it's not really a comfort. She wonders what it would be like if Duncan really had killed her; if she would want this. Then she shakes that thought away because it's too fucking morbid.

She finds herself watching Veronica a lot; the girl cries and is lost without Lilly, but she thinks Veronica will make it through. People always mistook Veronica for weak because of her innocence; but Lilly knows her best friend has a backbone of steel under her tears. Veronica always had that sort of lightness that Lilly – wild, tempestuous Lilly – couldn't touch. She envied her best friend a little for that – only a little – but if she couldn't hold that sort of grace, she could get as close to it as possible.

She watches what happens to Veronica, after Keith accuses Jake. After he loses his job. Her, sweet, beloved Veronica; cast aside by the 09ers who once said they were friends or acquaintances, tormented viciously with Logan leading the way. All Lilly can think is: _it's my fault_. She knows Logan blames Veronica for the murder – Yolanda; God that seems so distant in light of what happened – and it doesn't make sense at all. Duncan is too numb and agonized, both at the same time, to help Veronica at all. Lilly can't blame him for that, except a little bit of her does.

She keeps watching; and all she wants to go back just for a second and beg everyone to understand Veronica, understand the truth; not leave Lilly's best friend alone. Lianne runs out after months of boozing; and Lilly hates her mother for sending those photos. Bitch doesn't seem to have any soul at all about this; organizing the cover-up as emotionlessly as she would file her tax report.

But when she sees Celeste finally break down over the collection of bullshit trinkets Lilly used to shoplift for fun; cheap jewelry and bright nail polish; she just wants to be there again. Throw her arms around her mother and hug her like she hasn't since she was a kid. Say things like _I'm sorry_ and _I forgive you_ and _I love you, Mom._

She stops watching her parents then; it hurts to much. She fixes her dead eyes to Veronica, trying to navigate her light through the dark waters Neptune town is forcing upon her. Veronica goes to that party just to prove to them her strength; that she can't be broken by petty bullying. Lilly is proud.

She wasn't watching things to closely, and her ghostliness doesn't make her omnipresent, so she's not all that sure how that drink winds up in Veronica's hand. She's not certain why it affects her that way either when it's one drink; but it's a party so she makes an educated guess. She feels sick as Veronica collapses on a lounge chair, and it only becomes worse as the boys approach her.

Then it's salt and lime and tequila; plus Veronica's barely-awake body. The girls look exasperated with what's happening, but the bitches never seem concerned, never lift a finger to help. Logan cheers on each and every boy having his moment of fun with Veronica's body; and the fact it's _her_ Logan doing this to _her_ Veronica hurts her head to much to think.

She sees Meg Manning look worried and tell her boyfriend they _can't_ leave Veronica like that, and Lilly thanks the gods for sweet Meg's existence. Then Duncan finally, _finally_ manages to help his ex/half-sister, so Meg isn't really necessary. Lilly thanks her internally anyway. Duncan tries to take care of Veronica, but Lilly can see what happens when Logan passes him the drink. More drugs. Lilly starts hating her boyfriend (technically ex; but she and Logan were never really _over_) a little, even though she probably has no right to feel that way. This is only happening because of her; her death, her actions – complete betrayal of Logan – that caused the murder. She deserves to feel sickened like this.

But Veronica doesn't deserve the treatment.

Lilly hopes Duncan will manage to take care of Veronica, but they're both dosed and loose track of each other. The boys find Veronica again; preying on her however they can. She's just a body to them; Shelley and tequila and soon, Lilly's best friend is being carried to the guest room.

Lilly would cry, but she doesn't have any bodily fluids in death. She wants to look away; not see Veronica's innocence crushed under this crime; but she can't help it. It's like a car crash. _This shouldn't be happening_, she thinks.

But when Cassidy Casablancas unzips his jeans, Lilly finally registers what it means to be dead.


End file.
